My Fault
by Alyssa85
Summary: Lovino is in an abusive relationship, but he can't blame anyone but himself. Warnings: Physical abuse. Implied rape.


**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything but the storyline! All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya.**

 **Warnings: Physical abuse. Implied rape.**

* * *

The first time it happened, it had taken Lovino completely by surprise. In the eight years he'd been with Antonio, he'd never lifted a finger against. He'd never even raised his voice, despite Lovino's harsh words, and complete brush-off. He took it with a large smile, and walked away before the argument could get too big. Perhaps, Lovino wondered, that was why. Perhaps he always walked away to stop himself from hitting the shorter Italian.

Lovino cradled his bleeding nose in his hands, tissue sopping up the crimson liquid. He didn't cringe away when Antonio put his arms around him, sobbing that he was sorry, crying repeatedly how it would never happen again. Lovino just leaned his head against the Spaniard's shoulder and nodded meekly. He believed him of course. It was just a moment of poor judgement. Lovino had pushed him too far. It was his fault.

That night, Antonio and Lovino spent the night making up between the silk sheets of their bed, their laboured breathing and aching limbs pushing the thoughts of the bloody nose, and loud shouting, from their minds. Too wrapped up in each other to think about it, to remember Antonio punching Lovino in the face, his own face contorted in an anger Lovino had never seen before. Perhaps, Lovino had thought, perhaps it really was the reason Antonio always walked away.

The next morning, Lovino was awakened to breakfast in bed. His happily smiling husband placed their breakfast-in-bed tray across his lap, and peppered his forehead with light kisses, and whispered hushed 'I love you's'. Lovino thanked him with a small smile, then happily tucked into the perfectly cooked eggs and bacon.

Antonio sat on the edge of the bed, watching him wearily his smile faltering. He couldn't stop thinking about the night before. He couldn't believe he'd hit him, the one person he loved more than anyone else, he'd hurt him.

"What's wrong with you?" Lovino finally asked, his signature frown back on his lips. "You look angry."

"Huh? Oh I'm fine. Just thinking about things." Antonio glanced down at the empty plate on the tray. "You're done. Let me take that to the kitchen, you stay here."

"Why are you being like a damn housewife? If this is about last night, don't worry about it. I'm not angry. I deserved it, I pushed you too far."

"No, that's not it. Although, I am really sorry. Really, really sorry."

Lovino pushed the tray away enough for him to crawl out of the bed covers, the cold air feeling like needles against his bare skin. He pressed a kiss to Antonio's lips, biting lightly at the other's in a playful way. "You're forgiven."

"Right, let me take that tray away. We should go out today, think of somewhere to go."

"I want to go to the beach, bastardo."

Antonio beamed at him, tray of empty dishes held in his hands. "The beach it is. Why the beach though? You've never asked to go to the beach before."

"I'm not asking, I'm telling. We're going to the beach."

"Okay, we're going to the beach. Have a shower, then we'll go! I'll pack a lunch, or would you prefer to get something while we're out?"

"Pack a lunch. Lots of tomatoes."

"Would I pack anything else?" Antonio grinned at the Italian before walking out of the door, plates on the tray clinking together as he moved. Lovino slipped off the bed, his legs a little shaky and nose aching slightly.

* * *

Antonio clenched Lovino's hand tightly, the cold water lapping over their toes, wet sand making its way through their toes and sticking to them. Neither minded, the peaceful, empty beach, and cold water made them feel on top of the world, as if they were alone in the world. Lovino liked that idea, just him and Antonio, no one else to bother them, just the two of them alone in the big world.

Lovino was brought out of his thoughts by Antonio parting their hands, he looked at his husband. Antonio was pointing his phone towards him.

"Smile for the camera, Lovi!"

"Fuck off, bastardo," Lovino spat, voice lacking any venom. "I look perfectly fine without smiling."

"I'm aware of this, Lovino. I wouldn't have married you if I didn't," Antonio joked, snapping a picture of the blushing Italian.

"S-shut up!"

Antonio smiled softly before slipping his phone back in the pocket of his shorts and turning back to look out to sea. "Hey, Lovino?"

Lovino continued looking at the Spaniard, his eyes glancing over the side of his face and down his almost perfectly sculpted body. "What?"

"Do you remember our first date? You were adamant it wasn't a date, then ended the evening by kissing me, and storming into your house."

Lovino spluttered, his face darkening in red. "Bastardo!"

"I was so shocked, I stood on your doorstep for five minutes trying to figure out if it had really happened." Antonio chuckled. "I knew then that I loved you."

"You were only seventeen, you couldn't have loved me."

"Why not? We'd known each other for years before then."

"That doesn't make a difference, I was fifteen, you were seventeen, love doesn't exist at such a young age," Lovino argued, crossing his arms and looking out to sea.

"When did you fall in love with me, Lovino?"

Lovino stayed silent, glaring at the horizon, before turning on his heel and storming back up the beach towards the basket Antonio had packed their lunch in. Lovino expected Antonio to follow him, to pester him to answer the question, but Antonio stayed where he was, eyes cast out over sea, watching the small boats pulling into some harbour miles away.

Lovino settled back on their red blanket, his bare feet digging into the soft golden sand. He wasn't sure why he'd walked away, he wasn't sure why he hadn't just admitted to Antonio he'd loved him far longer than the eight years they'd been together, far longer than he and Antonio had even really known each other. Lovino didn't know why he had to make everything a battle with Antonio, why he had to shuffle around his real feelings despite everything.

By the time Antonio was done staring out at sea, Lovino had fallen asleep on the blanket, his toes still buried in the sand. Antonio sat beside him, his fingers tracing patterns over Lovino's stomach. He listened slightly to the light snores from the Italian, and the loud wailing of the seagulls above head.

* * *

The next time it happened, Antonio was drunk. He'd gone out for the night with his friends, and come home with lipstick stains on his collar and smelling of some cheap perfume. Lovino had shouted, he'd gotten angry. Antonio had gotten angrier though, punctuating every scream of disdain with a sharp slap across Lovino's face, or a harsh punch in the stomach. Lovino curled in on himself, his stomach hurting, and cheek stinging.

Once again, he didn't cringe away as Antonio pulled him into his chest, crying loudly and swearing it wouldn't happen again. Lovino didn't cry. He knew he deserved it, he shouldn't have accused Antonio of cheating. Lovino told Antonio his forgiveness, wrapped his arms around the Spaniard, and told him to take him to bed.

That night, they didn't sleep together. Instead settling for Antonio rubbing Lovino's stomach soothingly, whispering sweet nothing's into his ear. Lovino leaned back into his embrace, happy that Antonio had sobered up, and was back to his normal self.

"Ti amo, Bas- Antonio," Lovino whispered, tangling their legs beneath the covers.

"Te amo, mi amor."

* * *

That became routine, Antonio would hit Lovino, and Lovino would take it. He'd take it with a slight grimace and heavy thoughts about how he deserved it, then the two would cuddle, or have passionate make-up sex, ending in loving words, and happy smiles.

One night after a particularly bad beating, Lovino's eye already swollen and bruised, his skin littered with purple bruises, Lovino kissed Antonio lips,

"Thirteen."

"Huh?" Antonio opened his eyes, green boring into hazel.

"Thirteen years, that's how long I've loved you."

"I thought love didn't exist at such a young age?"

"I lied. I loved you long before you asked me out. That's why I kissed you that day, it was my way of telling you how I felt without using words."

"You've never been good with words," Antonio admitted, kissing Lovino's forehead. "It's always kind of pissed me off how you can never be honest with how your feeling."

Lovino inwardly winced at the words. That was another thing that had changed, Antonio was meaner with not just his actions, but his words too. Still, Lovino blamed himself, it was payback. Lovino had always used harsh words towards him, had always been rude and insulting.

"I'll get better at it, I promise."

"That's my good boy. Now, go to sleep. Goodnight, Lovino."

"Goodnight, Antonio."

* * *

The next day, Lovino knocked on the door to his little brother's place, hoping he wouldn't ask about the black eye, or the bruises he'd tried so hard to cover up. Feliciano answered the door, his usual smile fading the second he took in his brother's appearance.

"What happened to your eye?" Feliciano exclaimed, pulling Lovino's face close to his own and examining the eye, Lovino pulled away instantly, knocking Feliciano backwards slightly.

"Nothing! I'm fine, I walked into a door that's all," Lovino lied, absently running his fingers over the swollen skin. "Are you going to let me in or what?"

Feliciano eyed him wearily, not believing his story, but not pushing him either. He knew fully well if Lovino didn't want to talk about it, he wouldn't. He stepped aside, waving an arm towards the inside of his house. Lovino walked in, slipping his shoes off at the entrance. He followed Feliciano into the kitchen, where two mugs of coffee sat steaming on the small wooden table.

"I made coffee!" Feliciano beamed, sitting at one of the seats and signalling for Lovino to do the same. He did, happily taking the coffee and sipping it.

"It's good," Lovino said. He'd taken Antonio's advice, deciding to tell Feliciano the truth, and not brush it off with harsh words and stupid lies.

"Thank you! I tried to get it perfect for you!"

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

"Luddy helped too, he's good at that sort of things."

Lovino fought to hide his grimace at the mention of his brother's boyfriend, disguising it with a forced smile. "Where Ludwig, anyway?"

"He's in his office." Feliciano furrowed his eyebrows. "Lovino? Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine, Feli, really."

"Are you sure? You really don't seem it, you don't have to pretend with me."

"I don't have to pretend with anyone, thank you very much. I'm fine, I mean it."

"Do you feel sick? Should I call Antonio to come and pick you up?"

Lovino panicked slightly, he'd told Antonio he was just going to the shop. Of course, he wasn't sure why he'd lied about where he was going, but that didn't stop him from doing so. "No! Honestly, I'm fine. I should get off though. Tell Ludwig I said hello." Lovino got up from his seat too fast, wincing at the harsh scraping of wood against porcelain. "Thank you for the coffee."

"But you just got here!"

"I'm sorry. I'll come visit you again later in the week." Lovino pressed a light kiss to Feliciano's cheek, before fleeing from the house, leaving a confused Feliciano behind.

When he returned to the house, Lovino was happy to hear silence, to hear nothing but the faint buzzing of the freezer and refrigerator. He walked further into his house, turning lights on as he went. He found himself not liking the dark much. Lovino screamed loudly when he turned the light of the living room on. Antonio was sitting on the coach, four empty beer bottles in front of him, and another in his hand.

"You scared me," Lovino mumbled when he'd calmed down and his heart had stopped thumping heavily in his chest.

"I gathered by that fucking racket you made." He dropped the bottle that was in his hand with the rest of the empty bottles, and stood up.

Lovino found himself backing away as Antonio stepped closer, over the months he'd become increasingly scared of his husband when he was drunk.

"Are you walking away from me?" Antonio slurred, anger evident in his words. "You're my husband, you don't walk away from me."

Lovino stopped backing up when he came into contact with a wall, his back pressed firmly against the coldness, Antonio's body pressing up against him. "How dare you try to walk away from me. We're married, why would you ever need to back away from me?" Antonio murmured, his lips working on Lovino's neck. "We're bound together, Lovino." He began to work on Lovino's fly, causing the smaller Italian to squirm.

"No! I'm not in the mood, Antonio." Lovino tried to push Antonio away, but he lacked the strength. Antonio caught Lovino's face in his hand, smashing their lips together.

"You're my husband, you can't say no to me."

"Please, not tonight, Antonio."

"Why? You been out and got yourself someone else who'd actually sleep with you?"

Lovino shook his head, once again trying to wiggle out of Antonio's tight grip.

"How can I believe you if you won't let me sleep with you?"

"I haven't slept with anyone else! Only you!"

"You're going to have to prove you haven't let someone else touch you." Antonio slid down Lovino's fly, ignoring the protests from the Italian. "Give it a few minutes, and you'll be screaming my name," Antonio whispered, nibbling on Lovino's earlobe.

* * *

Lovino curled up on the floor of the living room, silent tears running down his cheeks and boxers around his knees. As soon as Antonio was finished, he's left Lovino there, shaking and in pain from the lack of preparation. Lovino didn't have the strength to pick himself up, or to care that there was blood and semen drying on his thighs.

He'd never felt so bad about himself, still, he blamed himself. Antonio was right, as his husband, Lovino can't say no. They're married, sex is part of marriage. He should have been happy Antonio wanted to have sex with him, and should have never said no, but he did, so he deserved it. It was his duty as husband to make sure Antonio was happy and satisfied in every aspect of his life. With that thought, Lovino fell asleep on the floor a puddle of tears by his face.

The morning after, Lovino was greeted with the smell of bacon, and soft bed around him. He fisted his hands into the covers, the pain in his backside sharper than ever, despite the softness of the bed.

"Morning, sleepy head!" Antonio greeted, stepping into the room, two plates of bacon sandwiches in hand. "I was wondering when you were finally going to wake up." Antonio grinned widely, sitting on the bed beside him.

"Morning." Lovino thanked Antonio for the food, and began digging in, his stomach growling in gratitude for finally putting some food in it.

"You silly thing, you fell asleep on the floor last night, so I brought you in here." Antonio swallowed his mouthful. "I cleaned you up first, obviously. I'm sorry for last night, I don't know what I was thinking." Antonio gulped, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm disgusting!"

Lovino pushed his food away, wrapping his arms around Antonio awkwardly at their positions. "No you're not! You're lovely. I'm not hurt, I'm fine. I love you so much, Antonio, you're not disgusting. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sorry I made you feel like that."

"I love you too." Antonio nuzzled his face into Lovino's hair.

"Let's have sex again. This time, I'll be good, I promise," Lovino said, taking away Antonio's plate, and putting them both on the bedside table.

"That's a great idea."

* * *

It took months of daily beatings for Lovino to finally realise something wasn't right. He was sat in Feliciano's kitchen, watching Feliciano and Ludwig bustling around cooking dinner. Antonio was beside him, rubbing his thigh under the table.

"So, Lovi, what happened to your face this time? Walk into another door?" Feliciano challenged, looking between the married couple. He'd been suspecting something wasn't right between the couple for a while, every time Lovino came to visit he was jumpier, less rude and a whole lot more bruised, each time he had a new excuse though. He fell over, he'd walked into a door, Antonio had accidently elbowed him. Feliciano was sure the 'accidentally' was a lie.

"Our Lovino here is just clumsy," Antonio answered for him, his nails digging into Lovino's leg, a silent warning not to say anything.

"I'm sure Lovino can answer for himself," Ludwig said, placing plates in front of them. "He's a grown up after all."

"I'm well aware he can answer for himself, thank you, but as his husband, I can tell you exactly what's happened."

Lovino bit his lip, as he twirled the pasta around his fork, ignoring the piercing glare of his husband. He'd earned those glares; he was certain of it. He'd done something wrong, so he kept his mouth shut and ate in silence while the others participated in easy conversation.

That evening, Ludwig took Antonio out, whilst the brothers stayed back. It was silent between them for a while, before Feliciano turned to Lovino with tear filled eyes.

"He's hurting you, isn't he?" He blurted, taking Lovino's hands in his own.

"Who?"

"Don't play stupid with me, Lovino. Antonio's hurting you isn't he? That's why you're always so bruised, and why your personality has flipped."

"Antonio wouldn't hurt me, he loves me."

"Stop it! Stop lying to me!" Feliciano clenched his eyes shut. "If he's laying a finger on you, I swear to God, I'll kill him."

Lovino's lips quivered. "It's my fault, okay? I push him too far."

"Oh, Lovi," Feli cried, wrapping his arms around Lovino's body. "It's not your fault."

"Yes, it is. I push him too far, I say no, I insult him. It's my fault."

"You say no to what?"

"What?"

"What do you say no to? Sex?"

"I'm his husband, he has every right to have sex with me."

"That's rape, Lovino."

"How can it be rape? We're married!"

Tears spilled over Feliciano's cheeks as he really took in his brother's bruised face, badly covered with make-up. "Oh, Lovino. Of course it's rape! You may be married, but that doesn't mean he has freewill of your body. It's still _your_ body, if you don't want sex, and he still does it, that's rape. Married or not."

"Just shut up! Antonio is lovely, he just gets angry sometimes, and it's always because I push and push until he snaps! He's completely my fault. It was about time he put me in my place."

"I knew something wasn't right. God, why couldn't I have asked about it sooner?" Feliciano hugged his brother close. "You need to call the police, Lovino."

"No, everything is fine."

"He's abusing you! How can everything be fine? He needs to be arrested, and you need to move on."

"Move on? Why would I want that? I love him."

"He doesn't love you though, if he did, he'd never lay a finger on you primarily to hurt you. You deserve so much better, Lovino."

"He's my husband. I'll never forgive you if you call the police on him. I'm absolutely fine, and I'm learning to stop pushing him too far." Lovino smiled weakly. "Everything's going to be okay."

* * *

Lovino lay on the floor, his nose bleeding and ribcage clearly broken. He kept screaming, hoping Antonio would snap out of his drunken attack, but he didn't. The kicks got harder, and Lovino got more hurt. He head throbbed with the impact on the floor, and his entire body screamed in agony.

"You're worthless," Antonio spat, kicking him in his already broken ribs. "Disgusting."

"Antonio! Please," Lovino sobbed, curling into himself, trying to shield his ribcage from Antonio's harsh kicks. "Stop!"

"Why? So you can go tell your brother everything?"

"I didn't tell Feli anything! I swear!"

Antonio bent down, grabbing Lovino's hair and pulling his head up from the ground. "How many time shave I told you not to fucking lie to me?"

Lovino sobbed loudly, his eyes clenching shut. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Antonio dropped Lovino's head, listening to the thump against the ground.

Lovino heard a loud sob above him. "Oh God, what have I done? I'm so sorry, Lovino." Lovino didn't say anything, feigning sleep while he waited for Antonio to walk away, the way he had every time since the first few months.

Lovino waited to hear the door slam shut behind his husband, before he pushed himself from the floor, and to the sofa where Antonio had thrown his jeans. Lovino pulled his phone from the pocket, glad it hadn't smashed when Antonio had thrown him to the floor. He dialled his brother's number.

Lovino cried down the phone, not managing to speak any actual words, but Feliciano listened, waited for Lovino to calm down and talk. Lovino explained that he needed him, he needed his brother, Ludwig too.

Just minutes after Lovino hung up, Feliciano and Ludwig were letting themselves into his and Antonio's place. Feliciano rushed over, placing a hand on Lovino's shoulder to wake him up.

"I-I… Y-you were right," Lovino stuttered, new tears welling in his eyes.

"Oh, Lovi." Feliciano wrapped his arms around Lovino's frail frame, ignoring his brother's lack of clothes. "We're going to get you help, okay? You're going to be okay."

"This isn't your fault," Ludwig said quietly, kneeling beside the brothers, slowly sliding Lovino's boxers up his legs. For once, Lovino let the man help, lifting his hips as much as he could to finish pulling the underwear up himself. "I'm sorry, Feliciano told me everything. Never blame yourself for this, Lovino."

Lovino nodded, the pain in his head blinding behind his eyes. "Please help me," he said, looking at the tall German. "I need to get out of here." Lovino doubled over, coughing heavily.

"Feliciano, pack him a bag. I'm going to carry him to the car, we need to get him to hospital."

Feliciano nodded, getting to his feet and bolting towards the stairs.

"I'm sorry for this, Lovino," Ludwig murmured.

"Shorts, there's some shorts on the radiator, can you get them?" Lovino wheezed, the pain near unbearable.

Ludwig moved to grab the shorts, then passed them to the Italian.

"I ca-can't get them up my legs."

"Right."

Just like with the boxers, Ludwig pulled the shorts up until Lovino could reach them himself and finish pulling them up.

"Can I move you now? Or would you prefer Feliciano to carry you?"

"I don't care. Whatever, I really don't."

Ludwig slid his hands under Lovino's legs, and around his pack, easily picking him up. "Are you okay?"

Lovino was silent, his head resting against Ludwig's chest.

"I suppose that was a stupid question."

* * *

 _Two Years Later_

Lovino looked around the living room of his new house. He'd finally been able to afford to move out of his brother's and into his own place. He was thankful to his brother, and even his brother's potato bastard, he knew if it wasn't for them, he'd probably still be in an abusive relationship.

It had taken him months to finally come to terms with the fact none of it was his fault. He never deserved the abuse, and the times Antonio held him down and forced himself into him, really were rape. Being married didn't make sex obligatory. In all honesty, he felt stupid. Lovino was an adult, he shouldn't have believed Antonio's sweet words after every beating. All the 'it'll never happen again's' or 'I love you's'.

Lovino wasn't recovered, not even close. He still had nightmares, and his nose was permanently disfigured from the break, but he was himself again. He was back to his sarcastic, rude and frowny self.

"Wow this place is huge!" Feliciano exclaimed, dropping a box down beside Lovino's feet. "Are you going to be okay here by yourself?"

"I'm fucking thankful to finally have my own fucking space. I was so fucking sick of living with you and that potato bastard."

"There's the Lovino I know and love." Feliciano kissed Lovino's cheek, quickly dodging away Lovino's pushy hands.

"Grazie, fratellino."

Feliciano wrapped an arm around his brother's shoulders. "Anytime, Lovi."

* * *

 **A/N: I've wanted to write something like this for a while now. I've read far too many fics where the abusive relationship was completely romanticized, and I can't stress enough how much that angers me. Abusive relationships are horrible, and should be treated as such. Honestly, I'm not 100% happy with how this turned out, I wanted to show Lovino getting more and more weary of Antonio, I hinted at slightly, but if I had gone further into that the fic would be far too long.**

 **Let's just imagine Antonio rots in hell, eh?**


End file.
